January 1, 1999

You're caught gossiping about your boss. A colleague steals your ideas. A supervisor asks you to lie. Savvy advice for outsmarting office troublemakers.

What's the toughest part of your job? Ask most folks and they'll tell you it isn't meeting deadlines or selling more widgets. More often, the biggest challenge is negotiating the murky waters of relationships–dealing with those who share our workplace.

We asked a group of career counselors (see "Our Panel of Experts," below) to chart the best course for some classic sticky situations–mini dramas drawn from the thorny issues that crop up whether you work for a corporate giant or the comer store. These encounters can cause workers stress or humiliation–and sometimes cost them their jobs. Put our lessons to work, and you'll spend less time stewing and more time making smart decisions.

1. A coworker asked me how much I make, because she's about to ask for a raise and says she feels we ought to be paid the same amount. I don't want to tell her my salary–why should I help her get a raise? But now it's bugging me that maybe shell end up making more than I do–and I would want to know about that, What should I do?

"If a company wanted you to know what everybody else made," says Neal Lenarsky, "they'd post that information on the bulletin board above the water cooler." (Government offices and many universities do just that.)

In general, companies establish salary ranges for a specific job description. How much an individual makes within that range depends on a variety of factors–from the relevance of a candidate's prior experience to a department's personnel needs to the new employee's skill at negotiating. Your best chance for regular increases is exceptional performance.

"Make it a personal policy never to discuss salary with anyone but your boss," says Lenarsky. "Telling someone how much you earn sets both parties up for hurt. Even if you make more, you may be disappointed that it's not much more. If you get a substantially larger paycheck, you may wonder why you haven't gotten promoted. And once you've shared your salary with someone, what's to stop that person from broadcasting your salary to someone else someday?"

It is smart to track your current market value. Check with professional associations for your industry. Look for comparable job postings in classified ads and on the Internet. One Web site that puts hundreds of profession-specific salary surveys at your fingertips is http://www.jobsmart.org. Click on "Salary Info."

2. I was recently complaining to a coworker about my boss when my boss unexpectedly walked in on us. I'm pretty sure she heard us, but she didn't say a thing. Should I own up and discuss it with her, or let it lie?

"It sounds to me like you know in your gut your boss heard you loud and clear," says Mary Rudder. So bite the bullet, she advises. "Ask her if she happened to hear what you and your colleague were talking about." Even if she says no, use the opportunity to discuss the issues you were complaining about. You don't have to get into the fact that she was the target of your criticism. Tell her that you were venting about a specific frustration. Explain what you think might help and ask for her ideas.

If she says she did hear, repair the damages pronto. "Tell her you're sorry," says Rudder. "Say that you know such a discussion is unprofessional and inappropriate, and that it won't happen again." Explain why you feel frustrated and ask for her input. But be prepared to hear criticism from her now that you've started the discussion, warns Rudder. End the conversation by asking what else you can do to improve the relationship.

"Griping in the office is playing with fire–anyone could overhear you," says Rudder. If gripe you must, reserve it for your spouse or best non-work friend.

3. A coworker is goofing off, and though it doesn't affect my workload directly, it offends me in principle. It hurts morale, and I wish our supervisor would crack down. Is there anything I can do?

"Since your own workload hasn't increased as a result, my first question is: Why is this a hot button for you?" says Laura Berman Fortgang. Do you feel like you're not being recognized for the work you're doing? If that's the case, focus on doing the best job you can and getting acknowledged for it. Document your accomplishments. Send a brief memo to the boss outlining recent goals you've met or even surpassed.

If you're sure the issue is about the office goof-off chipping away at morale, don't blame, don't name names, don't insult. Your case may be difficult to prove, and complaining to the boss–or going over her head–may come across as sour grapes or may cause management to wonder why you have so much time to notice. It's quite possible that your supervisor is not aware of the slacker's lazy ways or his effect on morale. Or she may be aware of it but avoiding confrontation, says Fortgang. To avoid finger-pointing, you could raise the issue in a general way at a department meeting: Suggest that your boss update everyone on her expectations for productivity, which would focus her attention on the topic and spell out the standards for the slacker.

4. A male colleague is always making cracks about working moms not being serious about their careers. I'm a working mother, and though I may leave the office at 5:00 p.m., and sometimes need to take a day off when my sitter bails out, I'm also dedicated to my job. How can I put him in his place?

Ignoring him won't solve the problem, says Marjorie Brody. "Without putting him on the defensive, be direct," she advises. "Ask him why he's making comments." Does he have to cover for you or do extra work because you leave earlier? If so, let him know you're willing to work out a solution and, in the future, you'd appreciate frankness over sniping.

If he can't cite examples where your work was not being done, you might say: "Look, maybe you see these comments as harmless needling. Since I take my responsibilities seriously, I find the jibes uncalled for and insulting. So I'd appreciate it if you'd stop. And let's agree that if you have any real concerns in the future, we'll discuss them directly."

5. My boss is having an affair with a coworker of mine. They think they're being discreet, but everyone has found out. Maybe I'm paranoid, but I often feel like he throws her plum assignments and gets more enthused about her ideas than mine. Is there anything I can do or say?

You've found yourself in one of the most dangerous work situations there is, caution Anne B. Lovett and Jill A. Searing. "You can't call them on it. You can't report them, because there's no proof," says Lovett. "What's more, your colleague is in a position to feed the boss information about you–truthful or not–that could affect your future at the company."

The best defense is to do a good job. Document your track record and let other colleagues and supervisors know about it. When you send out memos detailing work you've accomplished, copy them to your boss's superior or to supervisors at her level in other departments. "Part of managing a career is marketing yourself," says Lovett, "and it's especially true in a scenario like this." If you spread the word, others will wonder why you get passed over for prized projects.

Another option: Without making any reference to the fact that your coworker is nabbing more than her fair share of great gigs, tell the boss that you'd like to get in on the action. You might say: "There are some exciting projects that I'd like to participate in. What would you need to see in my performance to merit my contributing?" This tactic should make him realize that others feel he's playing favorites, and it's a way of asking for direct feedback, says Fortgang. "Make it about the work," advises Fortgang, "not the affair."

6. Every other day, it seems, at least one person in the office is asking me to donate to a charity or fund-raiser they're involved with. I always feel like they're putting me on the spot. Can I say no without looking like the office grinch?

"You have every right to say no," says Brody. "The trick is how you say it." She suggests something along these lines, spoken with great rebuttal-proof reason: "I'm sure your cause is worthwhile. So you'll understand that I give my energies and support to X, which is my special cause." When they become aware that your generosity is directed elsewhere, they'll have a tougher time labeling you the grinch.

7. I was very friendly with a colleague who recently got an unexpected promotion that made her my supervisor. Now I feel really awkward. She's trying to still be my buddy after hours, even while she's being my boss from nine to five, and it's just not comfortable.

The reality is that this relationship can't stay the same, and eventually, you both have to recognize that, say Lovett and Searing. The person who has to take action is you. "Do it promptly, because any resentment you may feel about not being the one to be promoted is definitely going to have an impact on your ability to do your job," warns Searing.

Be honest with her. The script might go something like this:

"Our friendship can't be what it used to be. If we're too close, I'll be under suspicion from everyone because I'll be seen as the confidant who knows all the secrets. That's going to divide your team. So for the sake of the group, you and I have to maintain our distance."

"This way, you present the boss with a legitimate reason to let go of the relationship," says Lovett. If she insists she wants to maintain the friendship, and you still feel uncomfortable, talk to her about options for a different position in the company where you wouldn't be her subordinate. Or start looking into job opportunities outside the company. "If you aren't working together, the two of you may be able to maintain your relationship," says Lovett.

8. A coworker has an infuriating habit of stealing my ideas. The classic scenario: At meetings, she'll repeat an idea I raised in private ten minutes earlier, and state it as though it's her own! More often than I'd like, our boss believes it is!

"It sounds like the real problem is that you're not making yourself heard," says Lenarsky. "Figure out why the boss doesn't register the idea as a good one when you present it." Are you prefacing a perfectly great idea with some too-humble disclaimer like "This may sound silly, but what if we ... "? Study colleagues who routinely get their good ideas across; they may have a better sense of how to sell a project.

9. There's no privacy in my workplace. I've been job hunting, and I know some of my phone conversations make it clear what's up. Should I ask my cubicle neighbors not to repeat what they hear, or just assume they'll do the right thing?

Never assume anything about coworkers. And don't expect them to be silent just because you ask them to. People cannot resist being the bearers of this kind of office gossip. And once word makes it to the grapevine, it's only a matter of time before your boss hears. What if you don't land any of the jobs you're pursuing and get passed up for a promotion because your boss thinks you already have one foot out the door?

"Don't set yourself up," says Karen Berg. "Save those calls for lunchtime or after work. Go to a pay phone or some other neutral turf where you're not likely to be overheard or interrupted."

10. My boss expects me to lie for her. Sometimes she tells me to make up stuff on her expense report. Recently, she asked me to tell one of her peers that she hadn't received a report he sent when, in fact, I knew it was right on her desk--I put it there. My boss could make my life hell if I refuse to do her dirty work, but I'm really upset. What can I do?

With a boss walking along the narrow ledge of disaster–and willing to take you along for the fall–you would be smart to discreetly start looking for another job just in case things explode before you can resolve them, says Rudder. Until you find one, keep a phonemessage log, stamp incoming reports and mail with the date received, and record when you sent things out for her. Detail differences between what your boss asks to file on expense reports and what you know to be true. Though gathering such information won't guarantee your job is secure, at the very least it will provide you with same credibility if your boss is caught.

You could also use this information to report your boss to her superiors or to human resources, but you risk losing your own job if the company chooses to overlook your supervisor's problems–or decides to get rid of you too. Also bear in mind that many companies don't have human-resources departments–and that finding a new job may be easier said than done in many situations.

A better option may be to consider approaching your boss with your concerns. "It can be risky," warns Rudder. "Your boss may view what you have to say as insubordination. And she'd likely deny it if you went higher up the ladder."

The key is in how you state your concern. Make your pitch this way:

"You've got so much on your plate these days that things are getting away from us. I think there might be ways I could help. I'm really uncomfortable telling Jack that we never received his report. I wondered if it would help if I read reports and then attach brief summaries for you? I've also been thinking I could alert you as various deadlines approach. I could flag you on priorities and suggest what I might do to keep things moving."

Now you've put her on notice that you're not willing to lie for her anymore, but you've also given her a way to save face–and a way to get things done. Even if she never expresses her gratitude, it can't hurt you either because it gets you more involved in what's meant to be higher-level work.

11. When a great new project I thought I deserved was given to my coworker, I went to my supervisor's boss to complain. Big mistake. The big boss wouldn't even discuss it. And my supervisor was livid that I went over her head. What can I do now?

"Come clean," says Berg. "Admit it was a mistake and apologize." After that, do your best to demonstrate your loyalty–don't get involved in dish sessions about her. And though you don't have to greet all her future decisions with false enthusiasm, show your good judgment by being competent and sticking to protocol.

"Generally, going over a boss's head is a lose-lose proposition," says Berg. "Not only do you not get what you want, but you risk creating an irreparable rift." Some companies have ombudsmen or human-resources programs that allow employees to address such boss-subordinate disagreements on the record. It pays to know both the policy and the business culture where you work before taking any action. Weigh the risks against the payoffs.

Our Panel of Experts:

Karen Berg is a career strategist and the chief executive officer of CommCore Communication Strategies in White Plains, NY. A coauthor of Get to the Point–How to Say What You Mean and Get What You Want, Berg has been advising clients for more than 20 years.

Marjorie Brody coauthored the Complete Business Etiquette Handbook and is the president of Brody Communications, an international training corporation in Elkins Park, PA.

Laura Berman Fortgang is a career coach in Verona, NJ, and the author of Take Yourself to the Top: The Secrets of America's #1 Career Coach.

Neal Lenarsky is president of Strategic Transitions, a career-management firm in Los Angeles.

Anne B. Lovett Ed.D., and Jill A. Searing are human-resource professionals and the authors of The Career Prescription: How To Stop Sabotaging Your Career And Put It On A Winning Track.

Mary Rudder is an organizational psychologist and specialist in workplace relationships in the St. Louis area.